Jim Hopkins: Care to take a dictation, Mr Mugabe?

NZ Herald June 27, 2008

PM CONDEMNS ZIMBABWE’S POLL THUGGERY – Clark joins international calls for free and fair elections – Herald headline, June 23.
Dear President Mugabe,
Oh, Robert. Robert, Robert, Robert. Buga me, what are we going to do with you? You’re such a goose, Bob. Such a silly old duffer. You really haven’t got this dictatorship thing sorted, have you? No!!! You haven’t.
…And no need to be a bully when you can be a sneak. See, Blob, we’ve got this issue here in Outer Roa. Smacking. And its dodgy, Bob. Dodgy. Well, dodgy for the gummint, anyway. Something you’d understand all too well, I imagine. Here’s what’s happened. Before the last election, our leader told people she wouldn’t support any Bill that turned good parents into “criminals” by making a light smack illegal. Then, after the election, they passed one. Yes, I know. That’s what politicians do, Bob. You of all people would understand that. The thing is, people didn’t like it, Mr Gumbabe. Not at all. So they got this referendum going. Couldn’t get the numbers apparently – according to the bureaucrats. Then they did. And, hey presto, just when an anti-vote seems inevitable, along comes the Ministry of Justice and tells the PM there’s “not enough time” before the election (date still unknown) to organise things. Sorry, folks. The referendumb’s off. Try again next year.
Gosh, it’s not something important like rushing legislation through under Urgency to validate illegal election spending. Printing a whole lot of referendum ballot papers is hard work. And we just know we can’t do it in time – even though we don’t know how much time we’ve got. Besides, voting for things just confuses people. The Prime Minister said so. In Parliament – you’ve got one of those, haven’t you? Of course you have. And she did. She said in Parliament people would get “confused” if they had to vote for two things instead of one. Their brains would get sore. And that would be awful, Bob. Awful! It wouldn’t be fair to the voters who’re not … umm, terribly bright. But you’d know that, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. Oddly enough, great dictator, we used to have two votes every election. On liquor. Separate papers and everything. “I vote for Prohibition, a Continuance or State control.”…